eff my life

So it begins again... I should have never taken her back and put myself in a position to get fucked over again.

We got back together, got an apartment, got a car, I got a decent job. I bought her a ring and asked her to marry me.

Then I lost the car, which gave me no choice but to work weekends, then i went to jail,they made me strip in front of them and i had to use all my money to get bailed out, so i lost my apartment. I am in the process of temporarily moving back in with my mom, and stephanie tells me she told her mom shes moving in with her and wants to still "date me" and wants to try to be in a long distance relationship with me.

Uh you dont fucking DATE your fiance. I have been going through her shit for 5 years now. Enough is enough. Long distance NEVER works.

I went to jail for this woman, she beat the shit out of me. She has cheated..more than once. She has fucked me over time and time again, stolen money from me, treated me like scum. I try to move on from that and put a ring on her finger and then she decides to move to temecula without even discussing it with me first.

She is bipolar and has borderline personality disorder. She just started taking meds.

I am a fucking idiot to think that a woman like her is capable of caring about someone other then herself..I wish we never got back together...

honestly i wish i never met her.

nevada, making my own products and whatnot.

So I am about to head out to Nevada. We are going to go gold mining, go to virginia city, and go shooting(targets not animals, ima vegetarian =) ) I m prett excited. At first I didn't want to go at all because I thought it would be snowing and was worried about taking Elliot that far, but its going to be in the 60's, not snowing, and my mom reassured me that Elliot would be just fine...

Also I am really in to making my own things lately, last night i made a pair of moccasins to take with me on the trip, I make all my own jewelry out of hemp, I made some sandals, and I am going to start expirimenting with making my own soaps with essential oils soon. I have also been trying to use all natural products such as deoderant and soap. I might make my own lotions, candles and chapstick too. I know how to sew, so i might try making some shirts and stuff... making your own things is surprisingly rewarding and saves a ton of money.. Cowhide moccasins like the ones I might cost near $50,and the materials to make mine was only $15. And on top of it, I know how to adjust them and I know that some 5 year old chinese girl didnt make them for 2 cents an hour.

well i gotta take the dog outside before we go... I will post pics of the stuff I made/make later.. I wonder if anyone actually reads this...

(no subject)

First of all, I changed a few things on my bike, still need to put on the new silver chain and a adjust a few things, but im overall happy with it.


Second of all I got a puppy by accident, a woman couldnt keep him and needed to find him a home that same day so I took him. He is a puggle, a pug beagle mix, the biggest he will get is 30 lbs.He is 3 months old. I love him to death and his name is Elliot. This is what he looks like, only hes cuter in person.





Sooo I have pretty much just been spending time with Elliot, he is sooo incredibaly smart, he is still just a baby but he can sit, lay down, shake and other things already. He is almost too smart... Other than that I play my harmonica and ukulele when I can, and I am a ChaCha guide as of a few weeks ago so i will finally be making a little bit of money...

Me and Steph got back together a while ago and things are going amazingly well.

Oh oh oh ANND i decided I am going to dread my hair.. it isnt long enough yet but its for sure going to happen. sweeeeeet

I am pretty stoked on life as of lately. It feels good.

toms shoes, car, femininity, and stuff

So as of lately life is definatly looking up... i got a car, its a ford taurus wagon. I used to swear I wouldnt drive and I would ride my bike everwhere..and while that is good for the earth and fun and blah blah blah... the one and only time i decided to ride my bike to temecula it was NOT enjoyable at all...and since I spend a lot of time out of san diego, I needed a vehicle.

Also, all i have been wearing lately are toms shoes...friends od mine have called them elf shoes, girl shoes, ugly, and everything else you can think of buttt every time i buy a pair a kid gets a pair and they are the most comfortable things I have ever put on my feel (aside from birkenstocks lol) and i dont think they are ugly, they might be a tab bit feminin but i dont care..

I have decided to grow my hair out a little bit.. I have been wearing the kind of pants I want to wear (tigher fitting) and I just feel a whole lot better about myself. I am always so concerned with passing and looking masculine when in reality it doesnt matter what i wear I live in san diego and im not going to pass 100% of the time until I get on T..so I might as well wear what I want and be comfortable... I do enjoy temecula seeing as i pass about 99% of the time. But yeah..Im sick of trying to make myself look more male to please others... if i am not comfortable with myself its pointless... I dont nessecarily think i look more feminine with toms, longer hair, and tight-ish pants..maybe more androgynous but thats okay by me...

(no subject)

wow has lot changed since the last time I posted here. but I am too lazy to completly update on my life and I dont think anyone reads this anyway...

I got a ukulele yesterday..its rad, im getting pretty good...wayyyy different tha the guitar.

I was contemplating building myself yet another bike..with gears or something but every single time do i ride for a few weeks then get sick of it and sell it...my single speed is the only bike I ever seem to stick with..i love it... so i decided to invest the time and money into that bike making it perfect and exactly how I want it...

heres an old pic of it...it doesnt look like this anymore..it has bullhorns instead the drop bars werent doin it for me


I have a shorter stem I am going to put on it and silver cranks. I am also going to get better bars and a red saddle...I am thinking about getting a red front rim..i dunno...I hate that my bike is so trendy haha but i love it so whatever.


I am absolutly disgusted with stephanie. On more than one occasion she has fucked a guy the very first night she ever hung out with them. And she doesnt think that it is slutty. She said she is having sex with people because she likes the attention it brings. It makes me sick. She keeps going back and forth on whether shes inlove with me, her most recent feelings being that she doesnt love me and never will. She will tell me things like she wants to marry me, then tell me I am old news and boring and she only says she loves me out of pity. So I am done with hoping we can be together again... Shes a repulsive slut and I hate her. I love the old stephanie, but that person doesnt exist anymore... she is the exact opposite of what I want in a woman, she is selfish, needy, a pathalogical liar, a whore, a cheater, desperate for attention, confused, and disgusting. So im done, I want to start dating again but I dont know any one lol. Stephanie has made me think of sex as a disgusting act. It makes me want to vomit. i hate her for doing all of this to me...I am trying to cut her out of my life so what she does wont bother me..its hard but i am getting better at not talking to her and seeing her...she doesnt even miss me. fuck her...ewww I cant wait until i am doing well in life and she is miserable..the best revenge is success and when she sees where I am going in my life she will be jeaous...she cant even pay her rent..shes so pathetic, fucking guys for attention...ew. she has no self respect shes so sick in the head and doesnt want to get better...she even told me she doesnt want to change! im done, its over...im leaving the pieces on the floor and moving the fuck on!

(no subject)

so i am pretty much accepting the fact that even though she tells me shes till inlove with me, she is probaby lying and we are never getting back together =( she doesnt want me anymore..

(no subject)

So I am getting to the point where I want steph back... It sucks, cuz I shouldnt want to get back with her, but I miss her and care about her. I hate that everyone just always wants to tell me that we shouldnt get back together, no one sees how hard it is for me and that it could be possible for us to work things out...so i havent really told anyone that I would consider taking her back if she was up for it... blah.